Finally Told You.

Well.. I told you. I finally told you I like him. Honestly that took so much off my shoulder. I have been wanting to tell you since the day I started liking him. But there was just one big problem. You started to like him too.. I don't know if you started liking him first. Or if I did. I don't really care about that. All I know is, I was getting ready to tell you. I really was. I wanted you to be the first person I told. But I was scared. Because I was already in a relationship with someone else. I was scared you would start thinking differently about me. Didn't help that one of our best friends was dating him.. But, right when I was about to tell you, you told me you liked him.. So I just stopped. I didn't want you to think I started to like him just because you did. So I just kept my mouth shut. I was happy for you. I wanted you to be happy. So I was thinking to myself, "She deserves to be happy. She's my best friend I want her to be happy. I can't tell her I like him too. I just can't. I don't want to lose her.." Everything was going through my head that night. All the "What if's." & everything else, too. Everything negative was going through my head. I didn't want to lose my best friend.. So I just kept it to myself. I didn't say a word. & then you two started dating. & I was so happy for you. You were finally happy. So I just put a smile on my face & was there for you. Just like I always try to be. 
A month pasted & you two were going on & off. & to be honest, I knew you guy wouldn't of lasted too much longer. Just because of how many times you guys were off & on in just a month. That's not healthy. Trust me I know.. & just think of it like this; me & Ian were off & on for a very long time. But, we went 4 months with no fighting, not arguing, not breaking up, not anything. & even after that every time we got back together we would still be on for about a month. But for you & him.. You guys were off & on four times in a month & two weeks. That's not good, at all. I'm not trying to come off as a bitch or being bitchy. But that doesn't even sound like a real relationship.. Sorry to say. & within all of that you started to tell me you love him. Girl.. That ain't love. I'm sorry but it's not. & I read in your blog from last night that you said he was your first love... I honestly think you weren't in love with him. It takes more than a month to fall in love with someone. It took me over 5 months for be in love with Ian. 5 months.. 
I'm soooo sorry for saying that. But it just had to be said.. I'm really not trying to be mean. I'm just trying to help.. Because I know that wasn't your first love. It just couldn't have been. I know you will find your first love soon. I just have that feeling that you will. & you will fall in love with him. Tell him you love him & be together for a really long time. & boom, you will have your first love. But.. That just wasn't it. I honestly don't even think you loved him. You just thought you did. But you didn't. You can't love someone just in a month on & off. You just can't. I'm sorry.. 
Gosh, I sound like a complete bitch right now. I'm really not trying to sound bitchy. I'm just trying to get all this off my mind. I think it's time I do that. Don't you think? 
Anyways, I'm sorry that I didn't tell you I liked him the first time you asked. I really am sorry. But.. I'm not sorry that I started to like him. Because how can anyone be sorry that they started to like someone. That just isn't right if someone is sorry for that. Well, in my opinion it isn't.. I'm sorry of you think other wise.. But I am so happy & proud of myself that I finally got that off my chest. I'm so proud I could actually tell you I like him. Even if it was through text.. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you face to face. I just couldn't do it. I can't do that.. I would have started to cry.. Because I would have felt so bad. I'm so sorry about all this. I really am.. I feel awful that I didn't tell you the first time you asked. I really do.. I was just scared of your reaction. To tell you the truth, I wasn't even going to tell you yet. But someone told me this, "I think if better if you tell her now. Because she's with Brittany." I still wasn't going too. Because I knew you were already depressed & everything. I didn't want to make it worse. But then, he took all the blame for it. & I couldn't let him do that. I just couldn't. So I told you. Finally. Right when I told you I felt relieved. But at the same time I was scared. Because I didn't want to lose my best friend. & I feel like I already have.. Because you hasn't texted me back or snap chatted me back or anything. I know you got my texts. Because you have opened my snap chats.. I'm so sorry I hurt you. I just didn't want to lose you.. 
Again, I'm so, so sorry if this sounds bitchy or that I'm trying to be a bitch. I'm really not trying too. I am just trying to help as much as I can. & I hope when you read this that you will think about it. All of it. From the first word to the last. I'm so sorry I hurt you Katy. I really am..

~Erica.
July 21st, 2013.