You Don't Understand.

Honestly, you don't understand. You don't understand how much I'm hurt right now. How upset I am. How much I just wanna cry my eyes out. You seriously have no idea. Having your best friend telling you they want to move so far away from me. That you don't feel comfortable anywhere. That you want to move in with your old best friend more than me. That hurts so much. You don't even understand. I just wanted to cry so bad. But I was with other people & I don't like to cry in front of people. I don't like it when people feel bad for me. But anyways, you have no idea how worthless I felt. & still feel. 
It sucks, you know? Knowing you your best friend wants to move so far for me. Knowing she doesn't feel comfortable anywhere. Knowing she would rather move in with someone so far away instead of of me, your best friend. It hurts so much. I just feel so worthless. Like I mean nothing at all. Do you not understand how much you mean to me? How badly I need you in my life? Because trust me, you mean the world to me. You're my best friend. No. My sister. & I need you in my life more than anything. Honestly.. Your the main reason why I'm still here, on this Earth. Without you I wouldn't still be here. I really wouldn't be. You've made me so strong. Stronger than I have ever been. Your the reason why I still eat. Okay, I haven't been waiting to eat. For so long. Honestly, the whole week you were gone I wasn't really eating. I wasn't hungry. But when ever you see that I'm not eating. Or I'm not eating a lot. You make me eat. No matter what. Your the mean reason why I'm still eating. So when I say your the main rest why I'm still here. I'm not lying. You really are. 
Okay. Anyways, this whole situation sucks really bad. & when you said you weren't going to tell me. Just pack up your bags & leave.. That would have crashed me more than anything. I would have been so hurt. I would have cried days on end. I'm not even joking. I wouldn't be able to even get outta my bed if you did that.. That's how hurt I would have been. 

OhMyGosh. I just stared at the screen for about an hour or more. Just thinking. Thinking about everything. How much is going to change. All the memories that won't happen this year. Everything is just going through my head right now. & yes, I know. It's not official yet. But it's so close to being official. Your 95% going. All you need is her mom's answer & then the next day you'll be on a plane going to Georgia for a whole school year. 180 days. That's so long. Even though it may not seem like very long. It really is. Especially for me.. That's 180 days with out my best friend, my sister, my other half. It's a really long time. The rest of summer with out you. Not being able to go school shopping with you. But most of all.. You won't even be here for my 16th birthday.. That hurts. Knowing I won't get to spend my birthday with my best friend.. So many things are going through my head that won't get to happen this year... We won't even get to spend New Years together.. Honestly, that's a big deal for me. We have spent ever New Years together since we became best friends. Because that is when we officially became best friends. That first time we hung out. The first time you came over to my house. So many memories were made just in the one night. OhMyGosh... "Baby come back." When my iPod died... Lmfao. Anyways, we won't get to take drivers training together. Go homecoming dress shopping. Do sports together. Go to football & basketball games together. Or even go to our first prom together... Junior year just won't be the same. It's the most boriest, slowest year. & I won't even get to spend it when my best friend.. It sucks so much. You have no idea.
OhMyGosh... I need to stop. I'm going to start crying... But I hope you know I'm not trying to make you stay. If you want to go then go. Have fun. Be happy. Make new friends. Make new memories. Finally get outta the state. Just please... Don't forget about me. Or anyone else that's here. Because remember, we have been here for you for so long. & we're not going anywhere. Anyways, if you really want to go.. Then go. Don't let me hold you back. Because obviously I don't want to you go. I don't want you to leave me. But it's not my choice. It's not my life. It's yours. So if you really wanna go. Then.. Go. Have fun. Have no regrets. Live each day like it's your last. Life the life you've always wanted to life. Be young. Be free. Just.. Don't forget about me... Please.. & I hope you know, I will be counting down the days for you to come back.. I will seriously download an app just to keep count. Not a day will go by that I won't think of you or miss my best friend. I'm not even joking.. Because every day at school that's all I will do. Is think. Because we were going to be locker partners again.. & now. I have no one.. Sorry I'll stop thinking about that for now. Because it's not official, thank god.. Sorry that was mean.... 

Okay I don't know what to say right now.. I'm over thinking once again.... 

~YourBestFriend.<3
July 24th, 2013.

Hurt.

I'm so hurt right now. I can't believe this. You say your hurt & I know you are. & I'm sorry for that. I told you sorry so may times! But have you even thought if I'm hurt? Because trust me, I am. I just wanna cry right now. I text you & you don't reply. I snap chat you & you open it but no reply. & I know your on Facebook. Because Facebook told me. & I know your getting all my texts. Because you have your phone on you 24/7. But yet, you don't text me back. You don't even try to talk to me. I said I was sorry! I'm sorry that I hurt you. That's what I'm sorry for. I hate this so much right now. I need my best friend but it's like I don't have her anymore. You don't talk to me. You don't even try to make contact with me. I texted you today & we had a 10 minute conversation. Not even. You didn't even say anything when I snap chatted you a picture of me & Cooper. I was so happy that he's finally home, too stay. & you didn't even answer.. That hurt me so bad.. This is why I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want to lose you. But it feels like I already did.. I hate this. I have been thinking & thinking. "What if I didn't tell you?" Here I'll answer it. We would be texting right now. You would be coming over first thing in the morning. I would still have my best friend.. Right now, I wish I wouldn't have told you. Why? Because I wouldn't be crying right now! I would still have my best friend! I'm so sorry. I don't even know how many times I have said sorry. But I'm going to continue to say it no matter what. Because I am sorry. I really am. & to be honest.. I didn't think you were going to stop talking to because of this... If I did I wouldn't have said anything... 

I'm sorry I hurt you. Please forgive me..  

~Erica..

July 22nd, 2013.

 

Finally Told You.

Well.. I told you. I finally told you I like him. Honestly that took so much off my shoulder. I have been wanting to tell you since the day I started liking him. But there was just one big problem. You started to like him too.. I don't know if you started liking him first. Or if I did. I don't really care about that. All I know is, I was getting ready to tell you. I really was. I wanted you to be the first person I told. But I was scared. Because I was already in a relationship with someone else. I was scared you would start thinking differently about me. Didn't help that one of our best friends was dating him.. But, right when I was about to tell you, you told me you liked him.. So I just stopped. I didn't want you to think I started to like him just because you did. So I just kept my mouth shut. I was happy for you. I wanted you to be happy. So I was thinking to myself, "She deserves to be happy. She's my best friend I want her to be happy. I can't tell her I like him too. I just can't. I don't want to lose her.." Everything was going through my head that night. All the "What if's." & everything else, too. Everything negative was going through my head. I didn't want to lose my best friend.. So I just kept it to myself. I didn't say a word. & then you two started dating. & I was so happy for you. You were finally happy. So I just put a smile on my face & was there for you. Just like I always try to be. 
A month pasted & you two were going on & off. & to be honest, I knew you guy wouldn't of lasted too much longer. Just because of how many times you guys were off & on in just a month. That's not healthy. Trust me I know.. & just think of it like this; me & Ian were off & on for a very long time. But, we went 4 months with no fighting, not arguing, not breaking up, not anything. & even after that every time we got back together we would still be on for about a month. But for you & him.. You guys were off & on four times in a month & two weeks. That's not good, at all. I'm not trying to come off as a bitch or being bitchy. But that doesn't even sound like a real relationship.. Sorry to say. & within all of that you started to tell me you love him. Girl.. That ain't love. I'm sorry but it's not. & I read in your blog from last night that you said he was your first love... I honestly think you weren't in love with him. It takes more than a month to fall in love with someone. It took me over 5 months for be in love with Ian. 5 months.. 
I'm soooo sorry for saying that. But it just had to be said.. I'm really not trying to be mean. I'm just trying to help.. Because I know that wasn't your first love. It just couldn't have been. I know you will find your first love soon. I just have that feeling that you will. & you will fall in love with him. Tell him you love him & be together for a really long time. & boom, you will have your first love. But.. That just wasn't it. I honestly don't even think you loved him. You just thought you did. But you didn't. You can't love someone just in a month on & off. You just can't. I'm sorry.. 
Gosh, I sound like a complete bitch right now. I'm really not trying to sound bitchy. I'm just trying to get all this off my mind. I think it's time I do that. Don't you think? 
Anyways, I'm sorry that I didn't tell you I liked him the first time you asked. I really am sorry. But.. I'm not sorry that I started to like him. Because how can anyone be sorry that they started to like someone. That just isn't right if someone is sorry for that. Well, in my opinion it isn't.. I'm sorry of you think other wise.. But I am so happy & proud of myself that I finally got that off my chest. I'm so proud I could actually tell you I like him. Even if it was through text.. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you face to face. I just couldn't do it. I can't do that.. I would have started to cry.. Because I would have felt so bad. I'm so sorry about all this. I really am.. I feel awful that I didn't tell you the first time you asked. I really do.. I was just scared of your reaction. To tell you the truth, I wasn't even going to tell you yet. But someone told me this, "I think if better if you tell her now. Because she's with Brittany." I still wasn't going too. Because I knew you were already depressed & everything. I didn't want to make it worse. But then, he took all the blame for it. & I couldn't let him do that. I just couldn't. So I told you. Finally. Right when I told you I felt relieved. But at the same time I was scared. Because I didn't want to lose my best friend. & I feel like I already have.. Because you hasn't texted me back or snap chatted me back or anything. I know you got my texts. Because you have opened my snap chats.. I'm so sorry I hurt you. I just didn't want to lose you.. 
Again, I'm so, so sorry if this sounds bitchy or that I'm trying to be a bitch. I'm really not trying too. I am just trying to help as much as I can. & I hope when you read this that you will think about it. All of it. From the first word to the last. I'm so sorry I hurt you Katy. I really am..

~Erica.
July 21st, 2013. 

Pissed.

Seriously right now? I'm so mad. I don't know why but every little fucking thing is pissing me off. I'm about to just turn of my phone. Call it quits for the night. I'm so frustrated! People are pissing me off. It doesn't help that I think my best friend changed. & if she didn't. Then it sure fucking seems like it. Like come on now, it was a question. That's it. You didn't have to start getting sassy. I understand if your not having a good day or something. But from all the snap chats you seemed in a good mood. What happened? Seriously. Would it be better if I just stop texting you. If so then just say something. I'm already home alone. Once again. In my room listening to fucking pandora & over thinking. Not having a care in the world. I was going to take Megin's advice & just think about all the good in life. But what's so good about my life? Oh wait, NOTHING. My life is hell. Well it is when I'm alone. I can't stand it right now. I just wanna fucking scream. The only thing keeping me calm right now. Is... NOTHING. Ugh! Fuck this shit. I can't stand being alone anymore. I've only been home since 8pm & I just wanna leave. UGH! I HATE THIS! Sorry for what ever the fuck I did to piss everyone off tonight. I'll just shut of my phone & not turn it back on! 

~PissedOffTeenageGirl. 

July 19th, 2013. 

Hate This.

I seriously can't take this anymore. It's 2:32 in the morning & I'm back to being alone. I'm back to where I have no feeling & not a care in the world. I'm back to being depressed all the damn time. I fucking hate this. Why me? Seriously. This is getting ridiculous. 
Well, I'm back in the box. & for you that don't know what I mean when I say, "That box." I mean a dark, pitch black, empty box. That I'm stuck in once again. When I say I'm in that box again. I mean I have no feeling. My whole body is numb. I can't feel. I have not a care in the world right now. I can't even think straight. It always happens when I'm alone & depressed. It's getting to the point where I'm not even scared. Where this is a normal thing now. Being in the box. My best friend's hate it when I'm like this. & trust me, I hate it too. Because I can't even help my best friend when she needs me. I try too. But I don't even know what I'm saying. & I just start to confuse myself. So i just erase everything & say a one word reply. I fucking hate it. Like seriously? It's that fucking bad. When I can't even help my best friend when she need me. I'm the type of person that help my friends through anything & everything. I'm always the one that give them advice & help them as much as I can. But right now, I just can't. I tried to help her tonight. But I just couldn't. & it just makes me think. Like, what if she's thinking about killing herself or cutting or something. & I'm in the box & I wouldn't be able to help her & be there for her. I would feel so bad. I wouldn't be able to live with that. I would be in this box for the rest of my fucking life because of it. Ughhh! I FUCKING HATE THIS! Get my outta this fucking box! I can't take this anymore! Someone safe me, help me! Before I'm stunk in this box for too long. & it's too late. Someone please. HELP ME.

~Erica.
July.15.2013

P.S. Sorry, but the "box" is the only way I can describe this.