I'm Lost.

I don't know where I am anymore. It's like my bright light, showing me where to go. Is gone. Now I'm lost. I'm lost in the darkest. & there's not getting out. I can't see my bright light anymore. She's left me behind. She took off without me. & left me in the dark. The one thing that hurts the most is. My bright light told me she would never leave me. Because she knows I'm scared of the dark. She promised she wouldn't leave me. But she did. She left me in this pitch black world. Where I can't see anything. But black. It hurts knowing she just left. Even when she said she wouldn't. Knowing she was always there. That she wouldn't leave me. Because she knew I couldn't get out alone. That I couldn't face this dark world without her. Because, she was my bright light. & still is. I'm trying to find her. But, I feel like she's gone. & there's nothing I can do to get my bright light back. So, now I'm lost. I'm lost in this dark black world without my bright light. & I know I can't get out alone. I need her. But I don't think she realized it. & still doesn't. Because, she's not back. & I'm scared she's not coming back. I need her. More than anything. Without her I'll never find my way. & I'll always be lost in this dark world. I need my bright light back. I'm tired of being lost. 

I need my best friend back. But, I think she's already gone..</3 

~Erica.

August 26th, 2013. 

Why I'm Hurt.

Honestly, why shouldn't I be hurt? I feel like I'm losing my best friend, my other half.. My sister. It seriously hurts so bad. I have been crying for the past two days. I blamed it on my tooth. But to tell you the truth it wasn't because of my tooth. My tooth has been feeling a lot better. I just use it as an excuse so my mom doesn't ask why I'm crying.. But why you be crying if you felt like you were losing your other half? Because I am. I'm crying just typing this. It hurts so much. Thinking your losing your best friend & they don't care or are just letting it happen. It hurts so much. 
I just want my best friend back. The one that has always been there for me. The one that knows when something is wrong & tries to fix it. The one that I could tell anything to & I know she will listen & give be good advice. The one that wouldn't let me do stupid, crazy, dumbass stuff without her.. The one that I trust with my whole life. The one that wanted to move in with me when she turns 17. The one that wanted to turn the basement into our room. But mom wouldn't let us. The one that was always there when I was crying & she would do anything to out a smile on my face.. But.. Where are you right now? When I'm balling my eyes out like a little baby. I need you Katy.. You have no idea.. Right now I'm home alone with no one. This is so weird because usually your here with me.. But your not.. 
I'm just going to sum this all up. I'm hurt because it feels like I'm losing my sister. & there's nothing I can do about it.. I fucking hate it so much. I need my best friend, other half... My sister. I need her more than anything & I don't think you understand how much I actually do need you in my life. If i didn't have you.. I honestly wouldn't still be here.. I just need you, okay? I know you said we will always be sisters. You even promised. But you saying all this stuff about needing a break just makes me think like your going to break that promise.. I don't want you to break it. That's the one promise i hope you never break. 
So.. I'm just really hurt from all the stuff you've been saying.. 

~Erica..

P.S. I miss my sister.. I want her back. Please? 

You Don't Understand.

Honestly, you don't understand. You don't understand how much I'm hurt right now. How upset I am. How much I just wanna cry my eyes out. You seriously have no idea. Having your best friend telling you they want to move so far away from me. That you don't feel comfortable anywhere. That you want to move in with your old best friend more than me. That hurts so much. You don't even understand. I just wanted to cry so bad. But I was with other people & I don't like to cry in front of people. I don't like it when people feel bad for me. But anyways, you have no idea how worthless I felt. & still feel. 
It sucks, you know? Knowing you your best friend wants to move so far for me. Knowing she doesn't feel comfortable anywhere. Knowing she would rather move in with someone so far away instead of of me, your best friend. It hurts so much. I just feel so worthless. Like I mean nothing at all. Do you not understand how much you mean to me? How badly I need you in my life? Because trust me, you mean the world to me. You're my best friend. No. My sister. & I need you in my life more than anything. Honestly.. Your the main reason why I'm still here, on this Earth. Without you I wouldn't still be here. I really wouldn't be. You've made me so strong. Stronger than I have ever been. Your the reason why I still eat. Okay, I haven't been waiting to eat. For so long. Honestly, the whole week you were gone I wasn't really eating. I wasn't hungry. But when ever you see that I'm not eating. Or I'm not eating a lot. You make me eat. No matter what. Your the mean reason why I'm still eating. So when I say your the main rest why I'm still here. I'm not lying. You really are. 
Okay. Anyways, this whole situation sucks really bad. & when you said you weren't going to tell me. Just pack up your bags & leave.. That would have crashed me more than anything. I would have been so hurt. I would have cried days on end. I'm not even joking. I wouldn't be able to even get outta my bed if you did that.. That's how hurt I would have been. 

OhMyGosh. I just stared at the screen for about an hour or more. Just thinking. Thinking about everything. How much is going to change. All the memories that won't happen this year. Everything is just going through my head right now. & yes, I know. It's not official yet. But it's so close to being official. Your 95% going. All you need is her mom's answer & then the next day you'll be on a plane going to Georgia for a whole school year. 180 days. That's so long. Even though it may not seem like very long. It really is. Especially for me.. That's 180 days with out my best friend, my sister, my other half. It's a really long time. The rest of summer with out you. Not being able to go school shopping with you. But most of all.. You won't even be here for my 16th birthday.. That hurts. Knowing I won't get to spend my birthday with my best friend.. So many things are going through my head that won't get to happen this year... We won't even get to spend New Years together.. Honestly, that's a big deal for me. We have spent ever New Years together since we became best friends. Because that is when we officially became best friends. That first time we hung out. The first time you came over to my house. So many memories were made just in the one night. OhMyGosh... "Baby come back." When my iPod died... Lmfao. Anyways, we won't get to take drivers training together. Go homecoming dress shopping. Do sports together. Go to football & basketball games together. Or even go to our first prom together... Junior year just won't be the same. It's the most boriest, slowest year. & I won't even get to spend it when my best friend.. It sucks so much. You have no idea.
OhMyGosh... I need to stop. I'm going to start crying... But I hope you know I'm not trying to make you stay. If you want to go then go. Have fun. Be happy. Make new friends. Make new memories. Finally get outta the state. Just please... Don't forget about me. Or anyone else that's here. Because remember, we have been here for you for so long. & we're not going anywhere. Anyways, if you really want to go.. Then go. Don't let me hold you back. Because obviously I don't want to you go. I don't want you to leave me. But it's not my choice. It's not my life. It's yours. So if you really wanna go. Then.. Go. Have fun. Have no regrets. Live each day like it's your last. Life the life you've always wanted to life. Be young. Be free. Just.. Don't forget about me... Please.. & I hope you know, I will be counting down the days for you to come back.. I will seriously download an app just to keep count. Not a day will go by that I won't think of you or miss my best friend. I'm not even joking.. Because every day at school that's all I will do. Is think. Because we were going to be locker partners again.. & now. I have no one.. Sorry I'll stop thinking about that for now. Because it's not official, thank god.. Sorry that was mean.... 

Okay I don't know what to say right now.. I'm over thinking once again.... 

~YourBestFriend.<3
July 24th, 2013.