Anyways, I'm going to try to explain my life & what I have some what been through. So who ever reads this will understand half of everything I'm talking about. & the reason why I say half. Is because no one will ever know exactly what I have all been through & how I feel.
Okay.. So ever since I was a little kid my life hasn't been easy. Since almost a year after I was born. I was born in August, 1997. In June, the next year. My dad turned 21 & was legal to drink. He would spend my moms pay checks on going to the bar & drinking. Of course he would get drunk & start to fight with my mom. My mom got fed up with it. & told my dad he had a choice. Either stop drinking or at least not drink as much or leave me & my mom. Sadly my dad picked drinking over me.. Not many people know that. But he did.. & to this day, 15 years later, my dad still is drinking. But he has found a way to control it. It depends on what he drinks. Honestly. But I believe he is starting to drink more pop than beer now. I don't really know because I haven't seen him in about a month.. But my mom & dad are still no longer together. They are just friends. They still fight sometimes but not as much.
After my dad left me, my brother & mom. She found someone new. My (ex) step dad. They were together for I believe 8-9 years. Everything was going good. Life was just amazing. I was young & I didn't have to worry about anything. All I had to worry about was school. & that wasn't even bad at the time. Because I was only about 10. I didn't know what life was all about yet. All I thought it was about was nothing. I just enjoyed life. Like I was going to be young forever. Until I was in 6th grade & my mom & step dad got a divorce.. That's when everything started falling apart. Me, my little brother & my mom didn't have anywhere to go. We were home less for about a month. We started to live with my grandma & grandpa for about a year until my mom started to date Jason, her boyfriend. We moved in with him & it finally felt like everything was going back into place. I was finally happy again. Because my mom was finally happy. While Jason was in our lives everything was going good. We moved into a new house. Got Cooper, our dog. Started going on about 3 vacations a year. Taking trips all over the state. Started to become a family. Life was amazing. Well, it seemed amazing. About 3-4 years later things started to fall apart again. My mom & Jason started fighting & always getting in arguments. One day, Jason went out to the bar & my mom just got home from work around 3 in the morning. Jason showed up a little after. Me & my brother were sleeping. Jason got home & started to fight with my mom. Started hitting her & yelling. I woke up to my mom yelling at Jason, crying, telling him to leave. I walked out to the living room & I asked my mom what was going on. She said "I'll explain later. Go back to bed. Everything is fine." I started walking back to my room when my brother, Emery, walked outta his room asking the same question. Jason started going upstairs & throwing my mom clothes down the stairs. My mom happened me her phone & said "When i say to call 911 call it!" I looked at her phone & 911 was already typed in her phone. All I had to do was press 'call'. My mom started going up the stairs to stop Jason when he pushed her down the stairs & then threatened to push her over the railing. My mom then told me to call 911 but I froze. I didn't know what to do. I was scared & I couldn't move. I didn't know what just happened. My mom got up & walked over to me & called 911. Me still frozen & in shock. When my mom got a hold of the police Jason took his keys & left the house. next thing I knew. The cops were at the front door & my grandpa was trying to talk to me. I didn't know how to react. I didn't know what to do. I was scared. I was afraid he was going to come back & try to hurt my mom again. My mom had bruises on her arms because of Jason grabbing them & trying to throw her over the railing & pushing her down the stairs. When I was able to finally move the first thing I did was grab my phone & text my best friend. Because I needed her. I needed someone. & she was the first person to come to my mind.
That night has been in my head ever since. That is a memory I have been trying to forget. But never can. Ever since that day.. My life hasn't been the same. Everything started to fall apart & it's still not together again. Sometimes it feels like it's just getting worse. I always try to think about all the good in life. My friends tell me to think positive. Think about all that good. But how can you think about all that good when there's no good left? I just don't get it. I really don't.. Some days it feels like everything is perfect. That life is good & everything is going good. When I'm with my friends everything is amazing. I forget about all the bad & exactly have something good to think about. But once I'm alone, I go back to reality & realize that was just for a little while I was happy again. & start thinking about all the bad.
In school is that hardest. I'm in 10th grade & this year was just filled with constant drama. Everything where you look there was something starting or talking about drama. Every day there was more drama. & through all that drama, every day. I had to put a fake smile on my face & pretend everything is perfect. That my life is just amazing. It's sad how many people I have thinking my life is perfect. & nothing ever goes wrong. There is only a few people that truly know everything about me. & those few people are the people I can trust me anything. That I can trust with holding a gun to my head & knowing they will never pull the trigger. They are the only people that can ask if I'm okay & know I'm lying when I say "I'm fine." The only people I trust with my whole life.
Honestly, this year was the hardest year of school of my life. It was the only year that I actually thought about ending my life. That only year that really hurt me. It was the only year I made stupid choices. It was the first & only year I thought about suicide & cutting.. It was first year I ever cut my wrist.. The first year I ever self harmed my body. It just got to much to handle. Everything was falling apart right in my hands. My mom hit me for the first time. Me & my best friend were fighting. Everything was just getting to much to handle. I was crying so much & just wanting to end my life. I walked in the kitchen returning with a knife in my hand. I walked back to the couch where I was watching t.v & just thinking to myself, "What will happen if I self harm? What if I die? What if I cut a vein?" So many questions were pouring through my head. & I just looked down at the knife with not a care in the world. I told my best friend I was tired & I was going to bed. I told everyone else who I was talking to good night. About an hour later of just staring at the knife in my hand I put it up to my wrist & slowly dragged it crossed my skin. & while it was cutting through my skin I felt all the pain slowly going away. I felt relief. I continued to cut my wrist for about 10 minutes. When I looked over & Cooper was staring at me.. He got up & walked over to to me. Tears fell down my face as I put the knife down. I realized then what I did was wrong. I promised myself & my friends I would never do it again. & still to this day I have kept that promise. January 23rd, 2013 was the first & last day I self harmed my body. I will admit there has been days where I just want to get out a razor & cut. But my best friends are always there to help me get through it. Just today, May 26th, 2013, I wanted to cut. But I didn't. My best friend called me & made me promise once again that I wouldn't do anything stupid. & I didn't. Till this day I still have the scars. I know they will never go away. & that is something I am going to have to deal with. Because I'm the one that did this to my body. No one else. It's my fault & I'm going to have to deal with it. But since that day & to now I'm staying strong & fighting each & every day. Not giving up.
Sadly, that's not even half of my story. My story is still continuing every second of every minute of every day. My story is yet to be closed.
There is a lot more to my past & what I have been through. But, if I was to sit here & write down everything that has happened & what I have been through for the past almost 16 years. I would be writing for years. So that is all I'm going to write. For now.
~Erica.
5.26.13
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